In response to great post on scarymommy.com by Kelly Claire, Letter to My Pregnant Child-less
Self (that I heard first about on +The Bert Show )…, I thought I’d go down the road a bit.
I’m sending this one to the toddler mom me. If only I could have read this back
then…
Dear young mom of two toddlers self….
You happily sailed through two pregnancies right into
babydom. What sweet, beautiful babies they were, and poof - all of a sudden
they’re now chubby toddlers. Wow – what a time this is! Gymboree and music
classes, naps and playdates, coloring books and Fisher Price. Oh yeah, potty
training. Gotta get that done on time...
Wait, wait, wait! Let me tell you something, sister. It
doesn’t matter. Let me rephrase – some stuff matters – happiness, joy,
appreciation, wonder. Those are the things that matter to a toddler, not when she
poops in the potty or if she sings her “bum bums” in music class. And you
shouldn’t sweat it so much either, because do you know what’s down the road –
big kids - teenagers. And those happiness and appreciation things will still
matter, maybe even more, but those little things (that seem so big right now)
might not.
Yep, and you’re going to look back and think how easy these
toddlers were, safe and with you all the time. You think you’re not getting
sleep now? Didn’t you just doze while they napped? And wait, they go to sleep before
8:00, snug in their beds. Prep yourself, honey, cause that’s changing. There’s
that Lit project they have to stay up till midnight working on (maybe they’ll want
your company), and then they get up at 5 AM for swim practice, and so do you
since you’ll be driving them. Maybe they’ll go straight from school to a couple
of dance classes, with a homework marathon to follow when they are so hungry
and just want a hug before jumping into that homework, but they may have
forgotten how to ask –remind them. But also remember when all this craziness is
going on, you are the one that lets them do it. So take a deep breath and enjoy
it, or else cut it back, despite what other families around you are doing. And maybe (if
you’re lucky) they want to stay up past the homework and projects and rehash
their day with you; teenagers and tweens like to talk at night which means you need
to no matter how tired you are. That’s one of the very best parts.
And again, if you’re lucky – they’ll talk. Boy, will they
talk. These little tweens talk all about puberty and pubic hair, sex and Justin
Beiber; they’ll tell you about Minecraft and Video Star. So listen. They’ll
tell you more than you think you should know about their friends, and you’ll
have to pretend like you have no idea the next time you see those kids.
You also are now thinking that soon enough you’ll have time
to go out on dates with your husband again, just when your sweet toddlers are a
little older and don’t cry when you leave them. My ass, you will. Because as
soon as they’re old enough to stay home alone, they go places with friends (and
you drive them, but remember, now is the time to chat up their friends), they
may have a boyfriend and God knows you can’t leave them alone, or they have
Lacrosse tourneys or swim meets all weekend. So not only do you not go out on
romantic dates, but you wear weird clothes like high school spirit wear and
sneakers.
Speaking of weird clothes, remember when you were a kid and
you imagined your future life of glamour, a stunning wardrobe and a home ready
for the cover of House Beautiful? Nope, you won’t have it. But you won’t be
sorry you can’t have new window treatments or expensive furniture, because your
kids won’t remember that. They’ll remember how you were there for them, how you
laughed hard together in the kitchen for almost no reason, whether the
countertops are new or not. The money you wanted to redo your kitchen or buy
those Prada shoes with will go to the dance studio, the booster club or the
orthodontist. They’ll need new clothes cause they really do grow. And please
moms, don’t wear your daughter’s clothes, even if they fit you – it’s just
weird.
As far as friends go, let’s talk about yours. Try to
surround yourself with those who build you up, you’ll need those conversations
with other moms just like you do now, it’s just your topics will change. Keep
your network strong and supportive; it will save you sometimes. And ditch those
bitches who judge and compare. You don’t want your kids hanging around the mean
kids, so don’t you do it, either.
Remember back when you worried when your little one got a
boo boo? Now you get to worry about mean kids and heartbreak, drugs and peer
pressure, bullying and academic transcripts. First crushes and gossip run
rampant, and you watch your teenager’s moods swing back and forth like the
Jolly Roger on a stormy sea. And that’s not all there is to worry about – what
about cars? Remember how you used to strap them in, oh so tight, into their car
seat with that weird stick on mirror. Now they’re the ones gearing up for the
driver’s seat. Holy Shit!
Your big kids will be stressed, sometimes sad, and because they
are essentially your heart living outside your body, you, too, will be stressed
and sometimes sad. For now it may be because they can’t have an extra cookie,
but as they get bigger, their problems get bigger. Maybe it’s way too much
homework, or anxiety over perfection, or because they didn’t get invited to a
party. Maybe it’s way bigger than any of that, like anxiety disorders, fear,
sex, eating disorders, depression, addiction – that which haunts many a
teenager.
But, they’ll be happy, too, and you also get to live that
with them. I think the excitement of a teenager or a tween is like a long lost
art that we moms have forgotten - faces glowing, smiles widening, their whole
bodies taking on that bounce…whether it’s for their new hair cut, an academic
award, a big sports win, or cause the boy texted back – you’ll feel their joy
as much as their pain.
Remember how you loved your little baby so very much; you
stared at her toes forever. That love doesn’t go away. You still will love them
like that, despite the sometimes pretty hideous BO; every moment is worth it.
Your heart will break and your palms will sweat for them. You’ll get mad at
their surly tone and too much time on their phone. You’ll pick up clothes off
bathroom floors again and again and then realize mid reach that it’s not so far
off that they won’t live here anymore so you won’t have clothes to pick up, and
you’ll want to cry. Your heart will still melt and they’ll never know cause
they’re so wrapped up in themselves. But that’s okay. Just keep loving them.
Oh yea, two more things to remember, don’t use that loud,
cutesy mommy voice when you’re in stores like Target – it’s annoying and no one
cares that your darling little one ate another pretzel goldfish. And fancy
birthday parties where you invite the whole class- scrap ‘em (all they do is
stress your kid out), and save the money for an iPhone.
Now if only my future self could write to me about what’s
next.
Love,
Me, the mom of your 12 and almost 15 year old.
